I don’t think I’ll ever feel ‘ready’ to write about this; in fact, even though I know Julia Cameron would want me to, I can’t bring myself to fill a single page. I feel overwhelmed with emotion the point of complete blankness. The bigger the waterfall, the more its roar drowns out everything else around you.
My beloved Dad died on Father’s Day this year. I was there. I slipped the wedding ring from his finger, I smoothed his hair, I prayed with my Mom.
He carried me as a child, and I carried him, as a pallbearer.
I helped host his memorial, and I wish you could have been there to feel the love in the room.
Ownership. It was important to me to have ownership in the grief experience. I’m trying to not shirk any pain, but to embrace it. I want to live more openly, and I want, as my wonderful coach Steven told me, to let the experience of this loss unravel itself perfectly.
I may be numb – I know I am. But I also know this cavernous pain is working in me a greater depth of love. And I know that my Dad will show up in my work. Each time I take the stage or the cameras roll, or I am eventually able to put pen to paper, he’ll be there.
I love you Dad.